To start moving on…

I decided to abandon this blog site and move to a new cyber home.  Because moving on sometimes means moving out and at times, moving away.

See the new beginning at Dawn of Daybreak & Cloudless Skies.

Home Calmed my Raging Heart.

It was just one of those habitual Saturdays in school that I never thought would turn out as how it did.  After having KFC dinner delivered at the SC Office, we decided to go home and study. All of a sudden, a certain text message drove me to yet another alcohol-infested evening.

I truly cannot trace where the insensitivity came from. How it all came to existence. But it was like a sword struck to the pit of my gut and into the middle of my heart. The pain was already a physical discomfort that I lashed out at everyone who was extra nice to me. They didn’t deserve it but I was just too buried in my own emotions that I completely disregarded other people’s concerns. For the past few weeks I have experienced feeling all sorts of emotions in a span of an hour. It’s exhausting and it’s quite flabbergasting to know how I have handled it and still managed to hold on to the little sanity I have left.

When he talked me into going to law school, I happily obliged and I have no regrets. I am quite good in this field, I realized. When he talked me into running for Student Council, I did not hesitate. Whatever made him happy made me happier even though I have always known I’m a lousy politician.  Now, I feel trapped in his world and I am clueless as to who I should pour out all my anger. I cannot just pick people in random and squeeze the life out of them. So I drank…and drank…and cried the most pathetic tears of my life. How can I be in Mark’s world as just G? I feel trapped in the world he had brought me into that I just snapped out of reason.

Instead of going home at 3:00am, I took a cab, went straight to the airport and bought myself a one-way ticket to Cebu. I boarded the 7:30am flight with no clothes, no cellphone and only Php17.00 to my name.  I spent Php10.00 to call and inform my mom I was arriving in the morning. I was so thirsty but the bottled water was something I couldn’t afford so I drank from the bathroom sink. I waited for my flight asleep in the cold metal benches with my books as my pillow. I arrived at home at 9:30am crying. Why did I let it come this far? When did I ever become such a weakling? Cowardice was the neighborhood I never would’ve ventured but I let this happen. 

I never truly believed that home could calm my raging heart…until now. My Mom’s arms were heaven. Thank you, Mommy.

PAGOD NA ‘KO!

Wag na kayong mang-intriga pa! It was not a nasty break up. Hindi juicy ang chismis. 

NO FIGHTS. NO BITTERNESS. NO THIRD PARTIES. IT JUST HAD TO END. PERIOD.

Tama na! Wag na kayong magtanong pag sinabi kong IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES. Dapat intindi nyo na yun. Hindi na kami magbabalikan pa. Hence, IRRECONCILABLE. Wag na kayong makulit! Hindi na nakakatuwa. Hindi nakakatulong. At hindi ko kailangan i-explain bakit hindi halata sa akin na malungkot ako. Hindi ko kailangan i-explain bakit parang walang nangyari sa akin. Cold- hearted bitch na kung ganon!

WALA KAYONG PAKIALAM! Dahil hindi kayo ang mahal nya. Hindi kayo ang mahal ko. PERIOD. Umuwi nlang kayo sa bukid at magtanim ng saging! Mga putangina nyo lahat!

Kate Winslet’s WHAT IF, My Alcohol & Violet Hair

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart

And it will not go away

In my head I keep on looking back Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I’d never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

‘Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
‘Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know
We’ll never know

I guess I’ll never know…

So after an insanely drunken night last Saturday, I woke up and found my apartment in chaos. Shards of glass all over my sink, my chairs on the floor, my bags and books near my window, my sheets gone, my mugs in pieces, his pictures folded in the drawer and my shower curtain on the bathroom floor. Again, I have drunk myself to oblivion it was almost lethargic. Anastacia mode switched on. Sometimes, there are certain things one chooses to forget.

Yesterday, I woke up and cried the tears that I pray would be the last of them all. Stripping myself out of bed, I took a long deep breath and decided to pick up my shit and forge on. I can’t go on living like this. Law school is unforgiving and has no tolerance for a deranged heartbroken fool like me. It’s time. Self-rehab needs to take place ASAP.

To commence the new beginnings, I chopped of my hair and dyed it violet (doesn’t look close to violet though but burgundy). To quote my favorite Penny Lane, “Get ready world! This bitch is bouncing back.“

Lost

I have been drunk since the end of March. Each time the sun sets signals a need to open a beer bottle. My life is a mess. My mom said I needed rehab.

Tomorrow, the first semester of my second year in law school shall begin and I don’t know how to pick up my shit and do the same manic way of studying. I’m so lost. I don’t think I’m ready to be sober for more than 24 hours. I’m not ready. I can’t do it.

Sobriety equates facing the heartache, the broken dreams. I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep sober because I am certain I wouldn’t be able to close my eyes and not see him. Koryn said, it’s the moment between dreaming and waking up that actually kills you. I need alcohol to have that moment pass or I’ll just die in anguish.

Lord, please help me in this struggle. I’m so lost. Please find me.

Until Then.

Until then…

Please God, let it be soon. 

No one knows what struggle it’s been lately.

But I have held on EVERYDAY…

For Niyaku

I will ALWAYS love you. But from now on, I shall only keep my hopes, dreams and wishes to myself. Cheers to the life I have always hoped we would have!

Wish I could be the oneThe one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I’ll always stay with you
But baby that’s not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that’s something I can’t do
Oh I could say that I’ll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I’d only hurt you
I know I’d only make you cry
I’m not the one you’re needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

My Choice. My Curse.

I had just gotten slapped by one karmic happenstance. It shook me to oblivion. 

As the song goes, "It’s too late to apologize."  INDEED! I shattered the life of the only man who has taken the time to make me a better person. I gave up the only man who loves me more than himself because I chose to take the road less travelled. I broke the heart of The Only One who saved me from the nothing I almost become.

Now, it’s too late. Too late to pick up the pieces. Too much damage was caused. He does not deserve to marry a complete pretense with a broken spirit. But I could have pretended to be perfect for him. I could have just kept silent and stuggled within even if it means lying to myself as to who and what I really am. I could have just given him the life he’s always wanted with me. 

Instead, I chose honesty. I chose the truth. And I chose to tell him.

My choice. My curse. Hindi na yata ako sasaya ulit.  

Rebecca Knows Best

AKO: "Mom naghiwalay na kami ni Niyaku. Nag-move out na siya sa Burg."

REBECCA: "Ha? Bakit?"

AKO: "Di ko pa ma explain."

REBECCA: "Baka naghiwalay kayo ni Mark tapos pabayaan mo ung school mo. Mag-aral ka mabuti."

AKO: "Yes Mom. Worried lang ako sa pag-aaral nya."

REBECCA: "Bakit nga kayo naghiwalay? Anong nangyari?"

AKO: "Basta. Di naman kami nag-away. Hindi din kami galit sa isa’t isa."

REBECCA: "May 3rd party?"

AKO: "Wala."

REBECCA: "Sira pala ulo mo e." 

My Personal Tragedy

For years, I have made myself believe that love shall be my worst personal tragedy. The greatest threat to my sanity. The end of my time.  Yet each time I see myself inlove with a man, I become a paradox wanting to nullify the claim and longing to believe in fairy tales. That perhaps happy ever after could actually transcend my cynicism.

Today, I woke up confronted by the very thing that has always haunted me all those years. He moved out. Out of the apartment. Out of my life. Almost four years of my life, which I thought could travel a lifetime, ended. There is no one to blame. Twists of fate can sometimes catch you unexpectedly and knock you off sideways. And I’m back there again.

Love, indeed, is my worst personal tragedy.  

Freudian Slip

Human beings are funny. They long to be with people they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear–Fear that their feeling may not be recognized, or, even worse, returned.

But one thing about human being that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be remotely connected with their object of affection, even if it kills them slowly within.

- SIGMUND FREUD

Mastering the Art of Pick-up Lines

Although Alibata is part of the Filipino heritage, the modern day Juan is not familiar with these characters nor can he translate them. When I had these characters inked on my left hand (whose meaning I would never tell), it opened the doors to the mastery of various pick-up lines. Here are a few things I told people who were curious to know what the white Alibata characters meant.

My MOM, who gets agitated each time I get inked: "Rebecca" (My mom’s name is Rebecca)

Atty Lazo, AUSL’s Dean of Admissions: "Law School Vixen"

Khalid Gunting: "Wish you were Christian." (He’s Muslim.)

John: "Wish you were single. Wish I were too." (He’s married with kids.)

Starbucks barrista: "The best mistake you’ll ever make." (She didn’t get it.)

A Better Player

Imagine this.

You are always in control. Of your emotions. Of your choices. Of your adventures.  You sleep with whoever, whenever, how ever and in which manner as it pleases you. You go out, get drunk, go home in the morning with no guilt whatsoever. You’re the main man. You guard your feelings so as not to cause any disastrous situations. Detachment is an art you have mastered even when dreaming. Hardcore.

They call you a player. An expert of some sort. You take pride in this lifestyle because with this, heartbreak is a stranger.

Now comes someone. You get fascinated. Really fascinated. Then it hits you. This being is a complete duplicate of you. Yet better at this game. Emotions are shelved somewhere. More carefree. More in control.  Cockier. This person is like your mirror. Only better at this game. What do you do?

Black or White

It’s a common feature of oral battle to seek refuge in the comforts of BLACK and WHITE. Amidst confusion, turmoil and oblivion, one tends to use BLACK and WHITE as his weapon. "Hand it to me straight! It’s either black or white!" OR "No gray area in this matter. Either black or white!"

In this great show called life, where the world is packed with choices, black and white just cannot be acceptable. One needs to explain, expound, deny or confirm. Whatever happened to the rest of the damn colorwheel?! Has the rest of you gone color blind?

No. I’m not trying to color anything. I’m not trying to define anything. I just don’t get the black and white shit. That’s all. 

Crossroad

Lately, I’ve seen myself in crossroads wherein I am confronted by the truth that I need to pick one path and never look back once I take it. Scared, confused and lost, I refused to make one choice. I refuse to make a choice.

Shall I go to the unwinding yet safe road that ensures complete refuge from the judgemental eyes of the hypocrites OR shall I take the road less traveled that would subject me to eventual judgement yet would lead me to the very taste of freedom that I can only imagine?

Alibata Inked In White

Alibata tattoo inked in white on my left hand (17 April 2008)

Tattoos, like scars, have stories to tell. 

They remind you of certain people who have hurt you and those who stayed when all else falls away. Unlike scars, however, tattoos remind of of certain people who’s worth all the pain.

No apologies, no pressures, no regrets. 

First Lady No More.

“When I was a little girl, I have always wanted to become a first lady…just like Imelda Marcos. I was so into it that I intend to make a President out of the man I shall eventually marry. But why am I here taking a step forward into the political limelight? Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘Women are like teabags. We don’t know our true strength until we are in hot water.’" 

This was the first part of my speech that garnered me 308 votes and won me the Student Council Secretary position. THANK YOU ARELLANO! Our party bagged five out of six seats in the Council: Froilan Pitpit as President, Patrick Rodriguez as Internal Vice President, Dan Pelagio as Treasurer, Ia Bolos as Auditor and I, first lady no more (for now).

Remembering the entry I posted at my old blog, I cannot help but be amused and proud at what has been happening in my life since June 2007. When I started law school, little had I known that I would  become my own alter ego…the complete opposite of me…the yin of the yang. And that’s exactly what transpired.

It’s weird, really, but it’s all good. And I still am at a loss for words. WOW!

I *heart* U

In this time of year, when lovers get giddy and everyone’s face is blushed and glowing, I went to school wearing my hooded black shirt, my pink sneakers and a smile that speaks of mystery. 

I wonder what’s in store for us…then I thought about my Criminal Law II class later and my Labor Standards class tomorrow…DAMN!

Then I thought about the oh-so-familiar face that never fails to pale the world around. I smiled again.

It’s gonna be a good Valentine. I have it all.

January a.k.a. The Grand Hangover

It’s been over a month since my last entry…not that I’ve been busy but I’ve been spacing out most of the time. Here’s a gist of my January. Or at least, what I remember of it.

FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY.

Thrown out of the house. Out of Cebu. I had been partying and getting drunk and getting high (natural) the entire holiday break that after New Year’s Day, in the wee hours of the morning, still drunk, my mom woke me up and told me I had a flight to catch. While I was out getting drunk, she had already packed my shit wanting to get rid of me. Armed with my plane ticket, which she purchased without me knowing, she managed to shock the hell out of me as she literally dragged me to the bathroom to freshen up and into the cab. Finally, I was wide awake and was already at the airport waiting to board my flight. I left Cebu on January 2, Wednesday, and all my plans until the first weekend of the year were simply and irritatingly screwed. Thanks Mom for being so sneaky.

SECOND WEEK OF JANUARY.

Back to normalcy mode. First class of the year was, of course, Obligations and Contracts under the god of Civil Law. Still at the state of mild eurphoria and a grand holiday hangover, I was on-deck for the goddamn recitation. Bloopers: SOLUTIO INDEBITI. I couldn’t say the the word right that I kept on mumbling "Sir um…shooo…sho…shoo…" In my head, I knew the arrangement of the letters…I could spell it had he asked me to just write it down. "What principle is that Ms. Bravo?" he asked. "Sir, the principle enshrined in the Civil Code that no man should be unjustly enriched at the expense of another." "And what principle is that?" he asked again."Sir um…shooo…sho…shoo…" Finally I said, "Sir, it’s the latin term I’ve given up trying to pronounce." They all laughed. DAMN!

THIRD WEEK OF JANUARY.

Broke but happy. I have this thing I’m trying to get off my system. When I’m stressed, new things brighten my mood. After all, I am still a girl. Splurging on things I don’t exactly need gives me pleasure. Thanks and no thanks to my fellow SBB Housemate Horta who induced me to bankruptcy. I got myself two bags, a men’s watch, cologne and over half-a-dozen shirts. 

Alcoholism. When alcoholics begin their detox, the withdrawal period is so hard that it gets one crazy. I couldn’t stop drinking abruptly. So I didn’t stop drinking at all which is driving my Niyaku up the wall each time! Once, I told him I’d be meeting up with Kaycee for a macchiato and promised to be home by 12. Kaycee, Angge, Dian and I had 3 buckets of Red Horse and I went home at 4 in the morning. Another time was when his Lambda Rho sisters asked him if I could hang out with them…just chill and drink a bottle or two. He adamantly said NO. And so I went home and waited for him to doze off then I snuck out and, yes, got drunk. 

FOURTH WEEK OF JANUARY.

Hellhole also known as Midterms. Due to excessive alcohol intake during the holidays and even after that, I am not surprised that half of my brain is already dead. I did poorly in all my exams. I couldn’t cite even a single provision verbatim and I was merely banking on ’stock knowledge’ and common sense. What a moronic way of viewing things. Where could the knowledge be stocked when my brain is half-dead?!  I have no one to blame but my never-ending affair with alcohol and my inability to resist such fatal attaction. Oh well…I’m only human. It’s time to pick up my shit and straighten up.

Withdrawal. "I’m Grachelle and I’m an alcoholic." REPLY: "Hello Grachelle!" 

AMUSEMENT OF THE MONTH: Zally, That Girl. She’s this ultimate loser from school who has long taken a social nose-dive. She has no friends. People talk to her not because they want to but because it’s just natural…like when you see a stray cat and you say "Hello kitty kitty!" or when someone sneezes you automatically say "Bless you!" Anyway,  she has this blog which created such a ‘controversy’ because its substance is as disastrous as her character. Do you remember the losers and social outcasts in high school? They have absolutely nothing to do because in all parties, they’re NOT invited. Trip to the mall…NOT INVITED. Sleepover at a girlfriend’s house…NOT INVITED. So, as past time, they just fantasize about the lives of the people who, unlike them, do have a life and create dialogues and scenes in their heads like they’re actually part of them. These social rejects will eventually become psychopaths, sociopaths and suicide statictics.

Zally That Girl can be likened to the high school ultimate loser. Only…she’s in law school. Do the math. It’s heinously pathetic.

P.S.
She once told Khalid, "Si G? Yung APO? Yung girlfriend ni Mark? E kaaway ko ‘yan e."
For the life of me, I could not remember kailan kami nag-away. Dahil walang ganung pangyayari. I don’t even talk to her. She’s NON-EXISTENT as far as I’m concerned. It’s another figment of her vast imagination yet again. Don’t worry dear, for you not to become a liar nor a freak at that, awayin na din kita para mag retroact ang facts mo. Happy now? Anyway, I’m kinda bored nowadays.