To start moving on…

I decided to abandon this blog site and move to a new cyber home.  Because moving on sometimes means moving out and at times, moving away.

See the new beginning at Dawn of Daybreak & Cloudless Skies.

Home Calmed my Raging Heart.

It was just one of those habitual Saturdays in school that I never thought would turn out as how it did.  After having KFC dinner delivered at the SC Office, we decided to go home and study. All of a sudden, a certain text message drove me to yet another alcohol-infested evening.

I truly cannot trace where the insensitivity came from. How it all came to existence. But it was like a sword struck to the pit of my gut and into the middle of my heart. The pain was already a physical discomfort that I lashed out at everyone who was extra nice to me. They didn’t deserve it but I was just too buried in my own emotions that I completely disregarded other people’s concerns. For the past few weeks I have experienced feeling all sorts of emotions in a span of an hour. It’s exhausting and it’s quite flabbergasting to know how I have handled it and still managed to hold on to the little sanity I have left.

When he talked me into going to law school, I happily obliged and I have no regrets. I am quite good in this field, I realized. When he talked me into running for Student Council, I did not hesitate. Whatever made him happy made me happier even though I have always known I’m a lousy politician.  Now, I feel trapped in his world and I am clueless as to who I should pour out all my anger. I cannot just pick people in random and squeeze the life out of them. So I drank…and drank…and cried the most pathetic tears of my life. How can I be in Mark’s world as just G? I feel trapped in the world he had brought me into that I just snapped out of reason.

Instead of going home at 3:00am, I took a cab, went straight to the airport and bought myself a one-way ticket to Cebu. I boarded the 7:30am flight with no clothes, no cellphone and only Php17.00 to my name.  I spent Php10.00 to call and inform my mom I was arriving in the morning. I was so thirsty but the bottled water was something I couldn’t afford so I drank from the bathroom sink. I waited for my flight asleep in the cold metal benches with my books as my pillow. I arrived at home at 9:30am crying. Why did I let it come this far? When did I ever become such a weakling? Cowardice was the neighborhood I never would’ve ventured but I let this happen. 

I never truly believed that home could calm my raging heart…until now. My Mom’s arms were heaven. Thank you, Mommy.

PAGOD NA ‘KO!

Wag na kayong mang-intriga pa! It was not a nasty break up. Hindi juicy ang chismis. 

NO FIGHTS. NO BITTERNESS. NO THIRD PARTIES. IT JUST HAD TO END. PERIOD.

Tama na! Wag na kayong magtanong pag sinabi kong IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES. Dapat intindi nyo na yun. Hindi na kami magbabalikan pa. Hence, IRRECONCILABLE. Wag na kayong makulit! Hindi na nakakatuwa. Hindi nakakatulong. At hindi ko kailangan i-explain bakit hindi halata sa akin na malungkot ako. Hindi ko kailangan i-explain bakit parang walang nangyari sa akin. Cold- hearted bitch na kung ganon!

WALA KAYONG PAKIALAM! Dahil hindi kayo ang mahal nya. Hindi kayo ang mahal ko. PERIOD. Umuwi nlang kayo sa bukid at magtanim ng saging! Mga putangina nyo lahat!

Kate Winslet’s WHAT IF, My Alcohol & Violet Hair

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart

And it will not go away

In my head I keep on looking back Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I’d never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

‘Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
‘Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know
We’ll never know

I guess I’ll never know…

So after an insanely drunken night last Saturday, I woke up and found my apartment in chaos. Shards of glass all over my sink, my chairs on the floor, my bags and books near my window, my sheets gone, my mugs in pieces, his pictures folded in the drawer and my shower curtain on the bathroom floor. Again, I have drunk myself to oblivion it was almost lethargic. Anastacia mode switched on. Sometimes, there are certain things one chooses to forget.

Yesterday, I woke up and cried the tears that I pray would be the last of them all. Stripping myself out of bed, I took a long deep breath and decided to pick up my shit and forge on. I can’t go on living like this. Law school is unforgiving and has no tolerance for a deranged heartbroken fool like me. It’s time. Self-rehab needs to take place ASAP.

To commence the new beginnings, I chopped of my hair and dyed it violet (doesn’t look close to violet though but burgundy). To quote my favorite Penny Lane, “Get ready world! This bitch is bouncing back.“

Lost

I have been drunk since the end of March. Each time the sun sets signals a need to open a beer bottle. My life is a mess. My mom said I needed rehab.

Tomorrow, the first semester of my second year in law school shall begin and I don’t know how to pick up my shit and do the same manic way of studying. I’m so lost. I don’t think I’m ready to be sober for more than 24 hours. I’m not ready. I can’t do it.

Sobriety equates facing the heartache, the broken dreams. I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep sober because I am certain I wouldn’t be able to close my eyes and not see him. Koryn said, it’s the moment between dreaming and waking up that actually kills you. I need alcohol to have that moment pass or I’ll just die in anguish.

Lord, please help me in this struggle. I’m so lost. Please find me.

Until Then.

Until then…

Please God, let it be soon. 

No one knows what struggle it’s been lately.

But I have held on EVERYDAY…

For Niyaku

I will ALWAYS love you. But from now on, I shall only keep my hopes, dreams and wishes to myself. Cheers to the life I have always hoped we would have!

Wish I could be the oneThe one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I’ll always stay with you
But baby that’s not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that’s something I can’t do
Oh I could say that I’ll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I’d only hurt you
I know I’d only make you cry
I’m not the one you’re needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye